Boner Kill

Dear Lord Grimmak,

I have a clichéd and embarrassing, but earnest question to ask. My boyfriend of two years and I have had a great sex life (like pretty much the best I've ever had), but lately, he's been having trouble, um, calling his sailor to attention, even when he seems really revving to go. He's only 29, so I can't imagine he's old enough to need Viagra. He apologizes profusely, and gets really upset when this happens, and I'm left at a loss for what to do. I tell him it's ok, but he seems to get even more frustrated and cranky, to the point where he'll even get dressed and go for a long walk by himself. What am I doing wrong?

Ingeborg the Frustrated


Dear Ingeborg

The human sexual organs are so finicky and delicate, it's a wonder how you have managed to overpopulate the planet. Ingeborg, it's important that you not blame yourself here. Your boyfriend's difficulty getting it up can be caused by myriad factors in his life and body. If he's a heavy drinker, or if he eats a lot of crap, this might affect his performance. If he's stressed or distracted by work (these are, after all, tough economic times), or if some kind of family problem is bothering him, he may also have trouble rising to the occasion. Next time this happens, just calm him down, and continue doing sexy stuff. Full-on intercourse isn't the only way to be intimate, and maybe doing other stuff if his member fails may soothe him to the point where he starts functioning normally again.

A more difficult possibility to consider is that there are problems in your relationship beyond your sex life. Has he been acting distant outside of the bedroom? Has anything else changed besides the limpness of his noodle? Talk to him about it, but make sure to assure him that you still find him sexy and all that. Human males put most of their egos between their legs, and they can be really defensive about that particular appendage. He needs to communicate with you and tell you what is bothering him. Throwing a tantrum and leaving you cold like that is rather inconsiderate, and it hints at something more than merely sexual frustration. It most likely isn't a strictly physiological problem. Maybe you guys need to plan a weekend getaway together or something.

On this front, I do not envy your species. Arkonian males have nearly a thousand reproductive protrusions, and the likelihood of them all failing is minimal. On our planet, the spam we get in our inboxes offers to increase the number of organs we have rather than enlarge them, although in some niche stores, we can purchase devices that help engorge many different parts of our translucent, mucous-covered bodies. To each his own, I guess.

P.S. If you need help getting in the mood, try putting on Lifelover's second album, Erotik. It's sexy.

Esteemed Lord Grimmak,

I’m taking my boyfriend home to meet my mom this Christmas. I’m really excited to bring (force) together two people I love deeply, but I’m rather nervous. He’s of the tattooed, mohawked variety of Brooklyn hipster, and while my mom’s a pretty cool lady (oh yeah, she was front row for the last Bay Area Killers show), I’m still skittish. Do you have any tips to ensure the visit go as smooth as possible?

Sincerely,
Solveig the Spooked

Dear Solveig,

I thought only metrosexual Eurotrash and leather daddies had mowhawks these days. Is it one of those short, neatly manicured ones that look like a porn star’s crotch? Well, you sound like a nice enough human, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume your boyfriend is also a decent individual.

Solveig, seems like you’re the one that has a problem with your mom and your boyfriend — you are so afraid there’s something so wrong about each of them that there’s a big chance they’ll piss each other off. Is this dude seriously the most outrageous guy you’ve ever dated? You sound pretty hip, so I have to imagine some of the guys you’ve brought home over the years have been weirder beyond just having outdated hairstyles and some ink. You also haven’t told me anything that would indicate your mom is some kind of freak either. Besides, you love these people, so give them the respect they deserve and just trust that they have common ground, at the very least because they both love you.

I have a hunch they’re both really excited to meet each other (assuming you haven’t been hiding the fact that you have a boyfriend or a mom), and if you just back off a bit and allow them the chance to get to know each other, it should all pan out well, unless your boyfriend has the tendency to speak loudly about tapping you in the you-know-where at inappropriate times. Even if it’s awkward at first, as can happen when any two people meet each other, if this is a lasting relationship you have with your man, it’s bound to get smoother over time. I wasn’t so lucky when I brought my first girlfriend home to see my mom — they ate each other. Arkonian females are a mystery to me, which is perhaps why I’ve taken refuge on this planet.

P.S. The Killers suck. They would have been ground into powder on my home planet and used to de-ice driveways. Listen to Skepticism’s new album, Alloy. It will destroy you.

Doomed Career

Dear Lord Grimmak,

Until recently I was working as an assistant at an entertainment firm, but my position got eliminated in a round of company-wide layoffs. My dream is actually to write my own film one day, but in the current economy, pursuing that line of work just seems foolish. A few of my friends have ended up with seasonal gigs at stores like Pottery Barn or the Gap, but I really don't want to work in retail. Any suggestions?

- Hjørdis the Economic Casualty

Dear Hjørdis,

I am more of an expert of the human heart than I am of human career choices – anatomical charts are infinitely more interesting than books by Tony Robbins – so my main advice here is to follow your heart. Indeed, this recent economic downturn has hit many of your fellow homo sapiens quite hard. I myself just lost my gig as an understudy for a corpse on CSI. Good thing my Overlord Commanders supplied me with a small stipend, enough for me to at least buy some dry ice that I can use to put myself in cryo-freeze until they come to rescue me from this doomed planet.

But back to your question – truthfully, did you enjoy working in the position you just lost? Would you have been happy working at that entertainment firm for the next, say, ten years? Seems to me that you took that job for security and a regular paycheck, but it was only tangentially related to what you truly wanted to do. Now, that position turned out to be not so secure after all. Doesn’t that tell you something? Looking for another stable, well-paid, career-track position right now is like looking for a rabbi at Red Lobster. You might as well take the first tolerable job that you find (if not in retail, what about food service?) to cover your basic expenses. In your down time, focus all your energy on writing your screenplay. What else can you really do? Seriously, this is the time when we all have to hole up in our bunkers, eat canned food, and work on our own schemes until the alien invasion has ended. Not that we’d ever invade you. Why would we do that? That’s silly. It’s just an analogy.

P.S. Would there be a role for a shape-shifting Arkonian researcher that digests his food via a protein-dissolving enzyme excreted from his rectum in your movie? I’m a good character actor, and my true form (i.e. not the little asian man body I chose as a disguise on this world) resembles Philip Seymour Hoffman, but with tentacles.

Blackberries in Delicate Times

Hi Lord Grimmak,

I think my boyfriend might be an asshole. My grandmother recently passed away and it has been very hard for me. We were very close. She helped my mother raise me as a kid, taking me to the movies or library in the afternoons after school. And as an adult, I would talk to her at least twice a week over the phone. Anyway, my boyfriend was with me when I got the call from my mother, and when I cried that night, he held me and tried to be supportive, but he also checked his email on his blackberry and texted people several times that night, while I was talking about my grandmother. I found this very annoying, but didn't say anything at the time.
It is a week later, and whenever I think of that night, it upsets me and makes me angry. Am I overreacting here or should I say something about it? And if I do say something, how should I bring something up he might consider trivial or not even remember from over a week ago?

Sincerely,

Ingeborg the Luddite


Dear Ingeborg,

Whatever you might be feeling at this time of loss is completely valid and understandable. You're allowed to ask for whatever you need as you mourn your tremendous loss. Try not to be so hard on your boyfriend, though. As you say yourself, he tried to be supportive. Perhaps intense emotional situations make him uncomfortable, or he has never lost someone close to him. In any case, by your own admission, he's making an effort, perhaps much more of one than his email checking and text messaging would imply. His coping mechanism may be to reach out to friends, or maybe he had to message people to put his plans on hold while he stayed with you. More troubling I think is the lack of communication I see going on your relationship. Rather than asking your boyfriend to put down his Blackberry, you immediately just assumed he is an asshole. Now, a week out, and you still can't talk to him about it — instead, you're holding it inside and letting it build into outright resentment. Take a breath, and bring it up mildly. Don't be accusatory, but expect him to get defensive, because no matter how you phrase it, it's going to sound to him like you think he's an insensitive creep, which you do. At this point, you just have to get it out, and maybe it will precipitate a good conversation about how much you and your boyfriend care about each other. Don't try to prove to him that he was a dick, just try to figure out what he was thinking that night, and also thank him for being there and holding you. You're still allowed to be annoyed, but you have to talk it out. Or you can become a neo-primitivist, and start a homestead where there will be no use for Blackberries. Would your boyfriend be down with that? Back on my planet, even though we are far more technologically advanced than yours, we have learned to relegate technology to a mere utilitarian role. We still sit by the fire (although combustion of wood in our atmosphere produces a green flame) and tell stories through our slimy anus/mouths. We don't treat our gadgets and devices as artificial limbs as you do — indeed, we have far too many appendages to ever require replacements when we lose any.

Bros Before Hos

Attn Lord Grimmak,

I am writing to enlist your help with an ethical/romantic situation that I am having. My friend has decided to get together with one of his ex girlfriends in 5 months and intends to leave town to live with her. Is it wrong for me to introduce him to pretty girls in order to induce him to stay? Or is it the responsible action of a friend to help him test his love? Also, what would a Norwegian person do in this situation?

- Bertil Ernieson

Dear Bertil,

If your friend is confident enough in his feelings for his ex to move to another city to be with her, I would say he probably has it bad. That said, there's nothing wrong with living it up and having fun while he's still around. It's up to him how he deals with pretty girls you may or may not have in tow. I doubt any effort on your part would induce your friend to stay if he's determined to leave, and that shouldn't really be your end goal. Nor should you aim to "test" his love. His relationship with his sweetie and the decisions he is making now are his own business. You can be a supportive friend while still having a great time with him. As for Norwegians, there is nothing in my research that suggests they would behave any differently. They are a developed, mainly Christian but secular nation. There's not much in their culture to suggest that their sexual and romantic mores are any different from those of other Western societies. Even though Norway is slightly more uptight than Sweden, Scandinavia in general is much more progressive sexually, enough for an American evangelical minister to abandon his tour of Norway and Denmark in disgust back in the 1950s, accusing the Scandos of being promiscuous. Americans are in fact as warped and backwards as the Taliban when it comes to matters of love.

[Photo courtesy of HotChicksWithDoucheBags]

Doomed Love News: Gaahl is Gay

According to some reports, Gaahl, frontman for the inimitable Norwegian black metal band Gorgoroth, has come one step closer to coming out of the closet. The gossip stems from a collaboration between the most famous living Satanist and modeling agent Dan DeVero on a fashion line to be called Wynjo, which is apparently ancient Norse for happiness. The black metal faithful are likely to be aghast at the suggestion that one of their own might be gay, while the metal world at large likely sees Gaahl (real name: Kristian Espedal) as a laughing stock, conveniently forgetting Rob Halford, an indisputable god of metal, is also gay. The homophobia in the metal world is confounding, considering the entire genre is so male-centric. Metal bands sing about swords, and towers, and male camaraderie — Manowar anyone?



When bands actually tackle the subject of heterosexual copulation, they usually approach it from a resentful, misogynistic perspective (the entire genre of goregrind is rife with songs about raping and mutilating women, the obvious products of repressed homosexual psyches). Die-hard metalheads often proselytize that metal is about individualism, even as they conform to strict genre templates and ridicule homosexuals. If Gaahl finally and overtly comes out, it will be a big middle finger to the metal establishment, and even more metal than when he held a man captive in his house and tortured him. For a genre that celebrates deviance and the destruction of status-quo values, people who love metal seem to be inexplicably squeamish when it comes to two dudes doing each other in the butt. All I can say is that Gorgoroth rules, and all the haters are poseur hypocrites. Gaahl is one of the most fascinating pop cultural figures of our generation. When questioned about the potential backlash against his latest venture, Gaahl replied, "Those who know me in private didn't think it was particularly strange. I do not care about what people in general think. It's not as if I'm going to change as a person just because suddenly there are some dresses out in the world. Besides, I like confusing people."

Hello Again

Dear Humans,

Hail from the deep forests of the dark land known as Queens. Apparently many of you are still unfamiliar with me. I am Lord Grimmak of the planet Arkonia (as stated in the sidebar). I first became aware of your kind through broadcasts of the television show Quantum Leap, which our extremely advanced time-conflating technologies received more than one trillion Earth years ago, long before Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell were even born. The series engendered in me a deep sympathy for your species, and a desire to help my fellow man — except that I wasn't yet a man, I was a tentacled Zathirod that fed primarily on Urgloids by excreting protein-dissolving enzymes from my rectum, which also happened to be my oral cavity. At the time, I was merely interested in studying earthlings from afar, satisfied with the seldom-used but extensive library of information our database devoted to you. Many Earth centuries later, I took notice of another broadcast from your planet: a radio program from WSOU in New Jersey that specialized in a form of music you call heavy metal. The raspy howls, pounding rhythms, and blasting sounds of this amazing genre was quite similar to traditional Zathirod folk music (our speaking voices sound remarkably similar to King Diamond's falsetto, when we are sexually aroused we sound like like Fenriz of Darkthrone, and when we are sad we sound like Lord Worm of Cryptopsy), proving to me something I had already begun to suspect — that my kind and human kind have some mystical connection. This immediately crystallized my desire to live amongst you and to experience your world. I beseeched my Overlord elders to allow me to use the Transfigulator to shape my translucent, mucous-covered body into that of a human being, and while they initially refused, deeming your kind a worthless, loathsome race doomed to destroying its own planet, they eventually relented after I recreated from our data a human meal known as "goat tripe tacos." I arrived here nearly 30 years ago, eager to begin my research mission, which is ostensibly to gather all information I can regarding tacos, but I am clandestinely researching my other passion, the human heart. Of course, I mean the figurative human heart, but my Overlord elders do not understand the difference, and assume I am still speaking of tacos when I mention it. The information I had on homo sapiens back on Arkonia was incomplete and perhaps outdated, but I still consider myself to at least be the foremost Arkonian expert on Earth's erect primates, and in exchange for information regarding your dreams, hopes, loves, and desires, I offer my humble services as an advisor.

Sincerely
Lord Grimmak
Chief Earth Research Coordinator of the Imperial Arkonian Overlords